I Do It All Because I'm Evil
by A.D. Williams
Summary: Who said life was easy for mad scientists? Especially not for Hojo and Vexen, who've recently been given the pink slip from their employers. They each avow to seek their revenge...by banding together? Are two heads *really* better than one?
1. The Hunter Becomes the Hunted

Been thinking of doing a story with these two for awhile and only now have I sat down and started (inspired by at first wondering if Hojo and Vexen maybe had the same English voice actors…but they don't). Meant to make this only as a one-shot but considering my brain is still tweaking the plot, I see it shall be multi-chaptered. I'm shooting for no more than three though.

The only thing I ask is for everyone to keep in mind that this is indeed a comedy. Story title inspired by the humorous song 'When You're Evil' by Voltaire.

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><p><strong>The Hunter Becomes the Hunted<strong>

As Hojo boxed up the last of his possessions, he couldn't believe this was happening to him. How could they give him the boot? He was practically half the reason for Shinra's success! How dare they get rid of him!

Not to mention, he wasn't a spring chicken anymore. Fifty-seven years old isn't the age where you want to be unemployed. Not in this economy. Oh, Hojo had money, certainly. Shinra had paid him well. But that would dry up rather quickly unless he found another wealthy employer to back his ambitions. And who's wealthier than Shinra? No one, that's who!

He placed his Nobel Prize for Greatest Military Contribution in the box and sighed, looking around his lab one last time. He hated to admit it but he was going to miss this place. The expensive equipment, the meek lab assistants that he could willfully order around and especially the place of upbringing for Sephiroth.

It was because of that man's death that fingers began being pointed at him. Like he'd killed him! No…but Sephiroth was supposed to be the best. Shinra expected him to be the best. And when Jenova went rampant with her 'reunion' and the public began to lose respect for Sephiroth from what she was doing, Shinra pinned the blame completely on his creator, ignoring that _they _were the ones who'd given him the green light to create him in the first place! Now with a tarnished record and being dishonorably discharged, who wanted an old quack like him working for them?

He picked up the file box that seemed made for freshly fired men and turned off the lights. He made sure to hold his head up high as he walked by everyone, not letting them see his anger. Oh, they were going to pay. They were _all _going to pay. That was a promise.

~.~.~

"…And Xemnas told you to create a worthwhile Nobody species and you couldn't even manage that! These pathetic beings you keep generating are easily being wiped out by the Keybearer and you're telling me this is the best you can do? Pathetic, Four!"

Vexen had been listening to Saix chew him out for the better part of ten minutes straight and was seriously close to just getting up and walking out. Every time he'd tried to get a word in, Saix cut him off, getting animalistic and once even started frothing at the mouth. So, Vexen had opted to sit and be reprimanded by a man he was _twice the age of_, as though he were a stubborn child.

Finally, it seemed that Saix was losing his steam and took a deep breath. "Vexen, we're going to have to let you go."

Vexen had been forming icicles in his fingers for awhile and quietly breaking them apart in silent fury but now, the quiet room was filled with a resounding _SNAP! _as Vexen froze with two large pieces in his hands.

"You're…you're going to _what?_"

Saix pulled back from where he'd been leaning over his desk to yell and sat down in his seat. "Xemnas has decided to let you go," he repeated and Vexen didn't' miss the way the man dodged placing himself within the blame for the decision. "Your work hasn't been up to standard as had been hoped. Mainly the replicas. We've tried working with you and giving you everything you'd need but these….disappointments can no longer go ignored."

By now, the icicles had melted in Vexen's hands and were two wet puddles on the sides of his chair where his arms had fallen limp in reaction to the news. Saix continued to talk, but he could've been a million miles away for how little any of it sunk in to him.

"You'll need to clean out your office immediately. All tools and utensils are to remain here, property of the castle. Oh, and, Xemnas has asked for you to have this." Saix slid an envelope across the desk towards him. "It's a stipend that should get you by for awhile."

His throat was suddenly dry and Vexen needed to get out of there before he seriously lost it. He gave a curt nod to Seven before snatching up the envelope and leaving. His few belongings thankfully could fit within the luggage case he'd use for when traveling the worlds and within moments of his forced resignation, he was done.

He left the Castle That Never Was without hardly a soul there to even see him off. Except for one. Zexion sat in the kitchen by himself, relishing a plate of cookies that Xaldin had miraculously baked for everyone. As he drew closer, he snatched one up himself. He was going to miss these.

Zexion's chewing slowed down as he took in the suit case and his former guardian's hardened expression. "So. They gave you the ax."

"So it seems," Vexen nodded. Then he leaned down and gave the boy a pat on the back, but mainly to whisper, "Goodbye, Ienzo." He straightened up and with all the dignity a Nobody can muster, he strutted out the door and down the Walkway That Never Was.

The instant everyone thought he was far enough, a party erupted. "YES! Striiiiike, you're out!" Axel fell over cackling, practically crying in merriment.

"Ding dong, the old bastard's gone!" Larxene sang as Demyx strummed with her. All through the castle, Xigbar was firing off his guns, blasting out windows and making table vases explode, much to the horror of Marluxia, who was trying to salvage his beautiful plants. Luxord turned to Lexaeus and grinned, "You owe me twenty, toldja he'd be gone before the month was out." Lexaeus groaned and handed over the munny.

Roxas and Xion were holding hands and jumping around in a gleeful circle and Xaldin shouted out "All you can eat kimchi on me tonight!"

Oh, Vexen heard all of this from the Lonely Road That Never Was. And they would rue the day they banished him. It was a guarantee.

~.~.~

Hojo had been following the person for some time now and as much as he couldn't believe his luck, he wasn't going to argue with it. A Jenova Sephiroth clone! He was going to kill her…him...whatever! And then he was going to use those cells to help spawn a new race of beings, something much more exceptional than his boring SOLDIERs. And all he had to do…was kill Sephiroth.

The man was walking up to a large building that was swarmed with people and Hojo knew he couldn't waste another second. He'd have to kill him right then and there before anyone saw him. Here goes nothing.

~.~.~

What fortuitous luck! Vexen had happened to see the Keyblade bearer himself walking past, blissfully ignorant as always. Taking this into advantage, Vexen had been quietly following along behind him for the past half hour, waiting for him to get to a more remote location. Once he finished the boy off, he could proudly throw it in Xemnas' face. He was _not _a disappointment! Then he'd practically be begging Vexen to come back!

He was close. Victory was within his reach. But…no! What was this dolt doing? Who were all those people and what did this little brat have to do with them? He would have to finish this quickly. The time was now.

~.~.~

"Die, you unholy scum!" Hojo shrieked as he ran towards the man while at the same time, from the opposite direction, some other guy yelled out "Perish, you wretched heathen!"

The person Hojo was after came to an abrupt halt beside a smaller, brown-haired figure and they looked at their attackers with completely confused expressions.

"That's enough, Sephiroth! It ends now!" Hojo told him, pushing his crooked glasses back up on his face.

"Now I can finally turn you into the ultimate Nobody, Sora!" Vexen announced, brushing sweaty hair out of his face.

The other two people looked at each other for a moment, then burst out laughing…in high-pitched, effeminate voices.

"Happy I look realistic!" The Sephiroth said. "Good thing I'm small-chested, or else I never would've been able to pull this off!"

"Ugh, this wig is killing me!" Lamented the Sora. "But if I got someone to mistake me for the real thing then it was worth it!"

The scientists stared on in absolute horror. "But…but you two are _girls_!" Vexen shuddered. "What kind of sick cross-dressing—"

"It's a convention, _everyone _knows that girls usually cosplay as guys!" The Sephiroth snapped, rolling her contact green eyes. She pointed behind her and on a large banner read "Welcome to Virtual Con where all things virtual and imaginary are welcome!"

With a huff, the two turned around, the Sephiroth appraising Sora's hand-made Keyblade and Sora admired the expensive leather costume.

Hojo and Vexen were dumbfounded.

"Convention…?" Hojo gagged.

"Cosplaying?" Vexen gasped.

They both sagged.

"I think I need a drink," the blonde muttered and the other man made a noise of agreement.

* * *

><p>I hope this didn't constitute as breaking the fourth wall…I have an extremely bad habit of doing that.<p>

Next chapter to be released soon so stay tuned!


	2. Cantankerous Conflicts

Forgive the delayed update. I hit a pothole with my muse and the original chapter I had written for this didn't lead up to any definite plot expansion so…I scraped it and tried again. I'm much happier with this chapter though ^_^

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><p><strong>Cantankerous Conflicts<strong>

The scientists toasted the hellish reality their lives had become by getting drunk at the Seventh Heaven bar.

"So…let me get this right," Hojo said, blinking to keep Vexen in focus. "You don't have a heart. And yet you breathe. No soul, little consciousness of right and wrong and absolutely no emotions. Is that correct?"

"Precisely," the blonde replied, nodding sadly. "We Nobodies are only striving to attain one goal, Kingdom Hearts. Only then can we truly, finally exist." He'd been sloshing his drink around in a dejected circle but paused to look up. "And you were…the leading engineer behind an army of modified men?"

Hojo gave his own nod. "More or less. The very thing that gave power to so many villages, I just diluted and made it the main ingredient behind our premier military. Of course…that was before _Sephiroth_ ruined everything. I wish my son had never been born."

Vexen wanted to say he was appalled. He wanted to. But he would've been lying. It wasn't his problem. What was his problem though was what the hell he was going to do now. No job, no residence, and only a check from Xemnas (who wasn't even man enough to hand it to him himself!) left to his name. Speaking of which…he pulled the envelope out of his pocket and slid it open. How much had he been worth to the Organization…

Holy hip-huggers Batman, over fifty-thousand munny!

Hojo, never knowing the meaning of minding his own business, tipped the paper towards himself so he could see what Vexen had frozen up over…most unappealing his shocked face was. And ugh, those sallow cheeks! Quite frail and gaunt, these Nobody beings were. But now what was this…a check? For…fifty-thousand-! Wait, what currency was this?

"Munny? Just what _is _munny?"

"The currency of my galaxy, of course. The Enix galaxy," Vexen said matter-of-factly, as though it were the most common-place thing ever and that everyone should already know it.

The dark-haired scientist turned his nose up at him. "I'm from the SquareSoft galaxy where we use gil. And if the glimpse of your galaxy at the convention is anything to go by, I believe mine is the wealthier of the two. Thus your currency is worth next to nothing here."

The Nobody's fingers tightened their grip on the check. Oh. So he was _that _type, eh? "Our galaxy is relatively new but it's thriving quite nicely. In time, I'm certain it will rival, no, surpass even this galaxy!"

"As if!" Hojo cackled, reminding Vexen of a certain someone who was missing an eye and had a smile that hid any true intentions. "Your worlds within your galaxy are too different from each other, the inhabitants unwilling to join together to create a universal marketplace for equal wealth and growth. For example, our planet Seven has embraced the incomprehensible game of Blitzball, introduced by planet Ten, and now all of our planets have international teams for it."

"Likewise, planet Two came up with the chicken-on-steroids creature known as the chocobo and now those are a staple racing animal and make for prime meat as well. We have _evolved _from a cluster of worlds that happen to be placed in close proximity and have turned into a galactic network. Yours leaves much to be desired and is pitifully primitive in comparison."

Shoving his check in his pocket, Vexen stood up swiftly, knocking over his barstool. "So I suppose you think you're better than me, don't you?" he yelled, his scientist voice high and shrill, drawing lots of attention.

"I'm simply calling a spade a spade. I'm not going to mar the truth just because you don't want to hear it," Hojo shrugged, lifting his glass to take a sip.

Vexen froze it just as it touched his tongue and watched in glee as the man tried to pry his mouth away without success. "Oh my, can't get loose?"

"Thuck you!" Hojo screamed, trying desperately to unthaw himself from the glass.

"I'm sorry, come again, I didn't quite catch that?"

"You thimbithile idiothic Nobothy! Thcum of the Earth! Your crude thricks are further prooth that I'm bether than you!"

"Gee, I wonder who's the better, me, or the guy who's stuck to a shot glass?" Vexen smiled.

"Aaauuuuggghh!" Hojo screamed in frustration.

Every minute or so, Vexen would cast another spell to keep the man stuck, marveling in all the attempts Hojo went through to try to get loose. First there was the saliva idea, but that just made him drool all over himself (and yes, it was as disgusting as it sounded). Then there was the useless tugging, but Vexen's ice was a lot colder than regular cubes and the tongue would not pry from the cup. And then the man pulled out a small, red orb of some sort but only stared at it and huffed something that sounded like "I nether learnth materia uth."

Finally Hojo gave up, tapping his fingers irritably as Vexen chatted with the other old men in the bar, drunken conversations about theoretical science. Once the other men had left, Vexen finally turned back towards his dark-haired friend. "Are you done with your temper tantrum now?"

Hojo's scowl was a black cloud across his face.

"Fine, I guess I can un-stick you." As calmly as though brushing away some crumbs, Vexen pulled the glass off of his mouth and set it down with a self-satisfied smile. Without another word, he slipped off his stool and strode outside.

Hojo would've loved to have sat there and cursed the blonde for all eternity but that wouldn't have solved anything. Vexen had what he desperately needed: munny. More specifically, munny that was worth a great deal more when converted to gil. Dropping a few bills on the counter (and realizing Vexen had left him with the tab!), he ran after the chilly academic.

"I say, listen here!" he began. Vexen paused and turned back around. There was that infuriating smirk again!

"It'd…be in our best interest…to stay together." Hojo died a little inside to have to say that. "We each have what the other needs. You have money for research. And I have my brilliant brain—"

Vexen cracked his fingers.

"Er, I mean, if we work together, we're bound to come up with a better solution for vengeance than working separately. We two under appreciated scientists can make the world quiver at our feet!"

"I…just want to get rid of the Organization. Never said anything about world domination."

"Ahem. Yes. Very well then. So…do I have your alliance? " Hojo held out a hand, the other clasped behind his back.

For better or for worse, Vexen was holding the upper advantage here, what with him figuring he had the most money, power and brains of both of them. What could greasy-haired Hojo use as a bartering tool? Nothing, really. But he was right; two heads were better than one. With that, he shook the man's hand and the deal was sealed.

Now they could get down to business.

~.~.~

Except 'business' first entailed traveling through the sweltering desert lands outside of Midgar to get to the next town over. Vexen only had his black cloak to wear. Hojo had taken off his lab jacket, but was still sweating up a storm.

"I can't take this abysmal incinerating any longer!" he yelled. "Must. Take off. Shirt!"

"NO!" Vexen screamed, knocking his hands away from the hem of his shirt. "Do you want me to lose everything I've ever eaten? Just…take this!" He gave him a large ice cube but it quickly melted. Even Vexen's ice wasn't impervious to 110 degree heat.

With that said, he too was close to his breaking point. He trudged on for about another twenty minutes before collapsing in the dirt. "I…I can't go on! Continue without me, Hojo. I'll just…lay here."

"We're almost there, Vexen," Hojo murmured, looking like he himself was about to crumble. "We only have…another fifty-seven point two miles. We can make it."

Vexen pushed his wet blonde hair out of his face and just stared at him.

"Yeah, point taken," Hojo muttered and sank down beside him.

Against both of their best wishes, they stripped off their shirts and only because Vexen was so tired did he not vomit. He did realize however that Hojo had glanced at him with envy. Working with the Organization did entail quite a bit of physical work, thus his skin wasn't all flabby like the Shinra scientists'. Ha! Another score for him.

He was seriously contemplating dozing off when a shadow passed over his face. Opening his eyes, he saw something circling the sky above. Then another joined it. And other.

"This is your native world, what are those things?" Vexen nudged the other man. With a groan, Hojo opened his eyes and looked up, frowning.

"They're vultures. Surely you have those on your planet too."

"Why are they circling _us_?"

"They're…waiting for something to die," he mumbled.

They came to the same conclusion at the exact same time.

"RUN!" Vexen screamed and like a frightened colt, he made a break for it in a random direction, Hojo hobbling after him.

The vultures followed.

"I am _not _about to die, damnit! I'm too young to die!"

"Pffft, HA!" Hojo cackled.

"Younger than you!"

"Oh please, we're still within the same generation, don't start getting high and mighty on me."

In their running, they had managed to come across a single-lane dirt road, almost unnoticeable except for the old tire tracks. And what should happen to be approaching down this road other than a Shinra modeled tri-wheeled truck?

Throwing all caution to the wind, the two ran into the road, jumping up and down and screaming, waving their shirts.

This only made the truck speed up! Within seconds, it had blown past them and was out of sight. They were alone again.

As though smelling their despair, the vultures swooped down just a little bit closer…

"In hindsight, maybe the sweaty, screaming old men idea was a bad choice," Hojo broke the silence. He sat down on a rock, trying to find a way to get comfortable on the slab. Just when he thought he had found the perfect position, thunder grumbled overhead and the perfectly blue sky clouded over.

"Please tell me this is normal in your world," Vexen asked, filling with unease. The World That Never Was had a pretty decent weather pattern…except for the times that Demyx would get depressed about something and would take it out on everyone by making it rain for days. Usually a zap or two from Larxene would snap him out of it though.

"This actually usually means someone just died," Hojo explained, and he sighed as though the now pouring rain was a nuisance. Suddenly, a loud, tormented scream broke through the air but Hojo didn't even flinch.

"Shut up, Cloud! We know he's dead! This isn't your story right now, it's not always about you!" Realizing that Vexen was giving him the crazy look, he shrugged and said, "Our plots are intersecting, kinda happens when you do a cross-over story."

"Yeah, sure, no problem. Makes complete sense," Vexen nervously laughed. _I need to get the hell out of here! _

At that moment, he realized that he actually had forgotten about the most useful power a Nobody had in their arsenal. Saw it every single day of his Nobody existence and never thought twice about it since it was so commonplace. He could simply teleport!

Without hesitation, he conjured a portal and was about to step inside when Hojo launched himself up with surprising speed and latched onto him. "You are _not _leaving me here!"

"What? No! Never! I wouldn't do that…" Vexen smiled. Hojo's face clearly read that he wasn't buying it. "Alright, fine! Fine. Let's go."

He dragged him through the portal and came out on the other side to an afternoon sunset that was not clouded over from the death of a beloved main character. Besides, clouded skies in his galaxy usually meant a dramatic fight scene in which someone has submitted to the Darkness in their heart.

Typical Kingdom Hearts bullshit.

But Vexen had taken him to the one place he figured that would aid in their goal. As men of science it seemed most fitting.

Ansem's lab, where he'd apprenticed at so long ago. He breathed in deeply, feeling the nostalgia settle over him, the days of Aeleus and Dilan guarding the front gates, of Braig never really doing much except slinking off to have fun, and little Ienzo holding his hand as they ate ice cream together. Those truly were the good old days.

And just like old times, it was time to get to work.

* * *

><p>Points to whoever can translate Hojo's frozen-tongue babbling!<p> 


	3. Rendezvous with Fools

*Gasp!* Did I…did I actually just update this thing? Why yes, yes I did! And I'm damn proud of myself to have finished this too! Trust me, not having been able to really write has killed me; I even dropped a day of work (before I had a nervous breakdown from stress) and even that didn't do much to free up my schedule. But this story is now finished. I said it was going to be three chapters long and I'll stick to that…even if this chapter is very long. As I usually say with these ones, read at leisure and enjoy!

* * *

><p><strong>Rendezvous with Fools<strong>

"You dragged me to _this _dump?" Hojo snorted.

Vexen would've been offended but he was right; it _was _a dump. Ansem's desk had papers lying on top that were now more yellow than white. The man's computer was a relic in this day and age. And the entire room reeked of…abandonment, loneliness and despair.

"A little work is all it needs…" the former assistant said.

"Mn." Hojo walked over to the computer and turned it on. Surprisingly, it powered up. "We might actually be able to use this. Maybe I can send Shinra a massive virus to terminate their entire system…"

"This company basically has its hands in some of everything across the globe, right?" Vexen began searching the desk drawers for anything worthwhile. "I don't think a computer virus is going to really hurt them. And besides, Organization XIII could care less for computers. Where can I hit them where it'd truly hurt?"

He began to think it over until a most horrendous sound filled the room and shattered his thoughts. It began as an alarm, changed to a high shrieking, switched over to a noise similar to a severe weather warning interrupting a program, and finally the sound of violent static.

It was the sound of dial-up. For further proof, the modem lay beside the fat, squat computer, the lights on the display flashing green intermittently.

At long last (_very _long last), the connection was finished and an AOL screen pulled up, mentioning something about a 30 day free trial.

"I can't believe it! Ansem was too cheap to even get proper internet service?" Vexen saw the disk drive blinking, showing there was something in it. He pulled open yet another desk drawer and there stood a large stack of free disks from Wal-Mart for AOL, NetZero, EarthLink and more. "This…this is just _sick_!"

"Ingenious, actually," Hojo told him, crunching on the keyboard. "Different identities for each disk. Your mentor was a master of disguise. Ah, here we go! The Shinra homepage."

He clicked to view the public information page about the Science Department. It was bland and spiffied up to sound good on paper just to encourage others to join but in reality, the true workings were never to be put out to the public. Though it did give him an idea. "Wonder if I can hack into my files from here."

As he clacked around, Vexen pulled open one last drawer to check its contents. It was full to the brink and he had to give a sharp tug to unstick it. In doing so, something at the very top sprung out and rolled across the floor to rest at his feet. He picked it up, pulling a pair of glasses out of his pocket to read it better. "Let's see here…take once daily with food…yada yada…no more than 4 in 24 hours…_erection lasting more than 6 hours!_"

Hojo stopped typing while at the same time, Vexen threw the bottle across the room as fast as he could before it tainted him somehow. A vortex was formed for it just before it hit the other wall and it disappeared.

That is until it dropped back on the desk from above.

"Damnit! The portal made another portal! Just like in Portal!"

"Ewwwie!" Hojo cried out and he knocked the bottle away. This time, Vexen took care to ensure that it did not come back.

Somewhere in Destiny Island…

"Now where did this come from…?" Riku asked, picking up a brown bottle floating in the shallow tides of the beach.

Back in the lab, the Shinra scientist was finally able to locate his old files still on the computers that were company property. Within them held his secrets to Jenova, SOLDIER, and the Ancients. "I can use this here to recreate my SOLDIER army to take on Shinra. Only issue is…I need human subjects to inject the mako."

Vexen had been having a brainstorm by standing off to the side and muttering to himself (the only way he knew how to think), but he had actually come up with an idea. "The power of SOLDIER…the heartless bodies of Nobodies. Interesting. I think we have something here!"

"Can you even make a Nobody here with these antiques?" Hojo figured to ask, the nasally snort making it doubly offensive.

"What, you thought some humans would've easily filed in here instead to receive an injection by two old men who couldn't look innocent if their lives depended on it? In comparison, making Nobodies is as easy as it's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake!"

Hojo stared, quirking an eyebrow.

"Ahem. Let's get started." They set to work fixing Ansem's larger (and thankfully more modern) computer, which filled nearly one half of the room. Vexen was in the midst of unscrambling the tangle of wires in the back when a large thudding was heard against the office door. The two paused and looked at each other.

"Expecting company?" Hojo whispered.

"This place has been abandoned for over ten years, and besides, nobody has access to get in. I'm certain Ansem sealed this place off from other normal beings."

Vexen failed to consider the other person _not _being a normal being and before either of them could react, the door came crashing down with one more solid kick. There Tifa Lockhart stood, dusting her hands off, muttering something about "Leon owes me one." Then she seemed to spot the other people in the room and crouched into a fighting stance. "Who are you?"

"I think I should be asking you the same thing!" Vexen answered. "This lab here is property of Ansem the Wise and only he and those that have special permission are allowed in here."

"Yeah, well, as of this moment, this is property of the Hollow Bastion Restoration Committee," Tifa notified him, holding up a notice of eviction. "So I'm going to have to ask you old geezers to clear out."

"Old geezers!" Hojo shrilled. "Listen here, young lady, while I'm old enough to be your father—"

"Grandfather," Tifa corrected.

"I'm not _that _old!" Hojo whined for the second time.

"It's okay sir, we have some really nice nursing homes here," Tifa said, biting her lip to keep from smiling.

Vexen didn't care to hear anymore. He sent an ice blast at her, which she noticed just in time to backflip out of the way. She landed behind a table, which she violently kicked, causing the ice to disperse and sending the object heading for Vexen. The Nobody vanished across the room but Hojo was still in the way. The table crashed into him hard and he fell into a crumpled heap with it weighing him down.

"My hip! Oh, now you've gone and done it, you stupid woman! My hip's been displaced!"

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" Tifa hurried over, crouching beside him. "I didn't mean to hurt you!"

"I'm *cough* just a weak, infirm old man, *cough, cough*" Hojo gasped, contradicting his earlier statement. "You'd…hit…an old man?"

Tifa was crying now, gently lifting the table off of him. "No sir, I would never hurt the elderly! I'm so sorry! What can I do to help the pain?"

The scientist blinked slowly, then his eyes fluttered, like he was fighting to stay conscious. "Come…closer…dear."

Tifa leaned down, brushing her hair behind an ear to hear him better, figuring this was it. She'd killed a man and the least she could do was hear his dying words.

Instead, Hojo pulled a syringe out of his coat pocket and jabbed it into her stomach. She gasped, pulling away and stumbling back, knocking over another table full of papers. She writhed on the floor for a few moments before going still.

Hojo got up, straightening his glasses and noticed that Vexen had now produced a large blue shield but was holding it in defense against him. "Did you…just kill her?"

"No. Well…I don't think so. It's supposed to be a mild sedative."

"_Mild?_"

"Okay, so it was an elephant tranquilizer! She'll live. I think…"

"You _think_?"

"You know what, let's just hide the body and continue working, please?" Hojo snapped. As they carried Tifa's body to an adjoining room and locked the door, he also asked, "Who is she and where did she come from?"

Vexen held up the Hollow Bastian card he'd taken from her pocket and read her name. "Tifa Lockhart. Can't say I remember that name and Ansem was in charge of the town census. Must be some new, intergalactic punk trying to lay claim on land that doesn't belong to them in the midst of the worlds only being reformed again after the darkness attack."

"…I'm going to act like that made complete and total sense," Hojo told him and Vexen wasn't about to try to explain the workings of his universe to him, a conversation that'd give the most astute of men (and fans) a headache.

They worked diligently enough and by the evening, the computer was running. Vexen had gathered all of the vials and beakers left in the lab together and poured a little of this into that and sat it in a Petri dish. From that, he dipped in two thin tubes that ran back to the computer and analyzed the data. Hojo did roughly the same thing, mixing several substances with his main ingredient, mako.

"So. Concoctions finished. What's next?" Hojo decided to ask, not seeing a host that was usable to their needs.

"Now…the magic starts." Vexen missed Hojo rolling his eyes since he was busy snapping his fingers and watching the Dusks appear. Never being obedient creatures, they began searching for anything they could tear apart, steal, or have fun with. Which included the Petri dishes. Figuring it was some sort of treat, they downed the contents.

"Please tell me that was supposed to happen," Hojo muttered, watching his own mixture go down the throat of one of Dusks. "I don't have anymore mako on me."

But he knew his answer the moment he saw the beings drop the glass dishes, silent screams torn from their mouths. Vexen didn't look concerned as he watched them morph before their eyes. Only having stood knee-high, they began to grow larger and larger. Vexen quickly started ushering them outside for them to finish their growth spurt. As they completed that, he took one of Hojo's syringes and extracted the DNA from one and emptied it back into one of the remaining dishes. This in turn was analyzed on the computer and now he was able to skip the middleman and instantly create Nobodies the size of a three story house.

Hojo stared up at the massive Nobodies in awe. "We've done it! This is better than mechas!"

"Mechas? Who the hell would really want to create giant mechas?" Vexen asked.

"You can't tell me you've never wanted to build a one-hundred foot robot," Hojo stated. "It's every scientist's dream to create one! But till then…this will do." He whistled to catch the attention of the Nobodies and as one, the fleet turned to look at him. "As my—er, _our _creation, you shall obey our orders! Your first assignment is to destroy Shinra! Headquarters, labs (especially Deep Underground), all of it! Show them no mercy!"

They gave a solemn nod and began to stomp off, the ground shaking with each step they took. The people of Hollow Bastian screamed and ran and what would the moment be without one guy screaming, "Look, it's Goddilla!"

Vexen watched them leave, amused and impressed. "SOLDIER…Nobodies…Dusks. Soulbodies! Get it? Soul and body?"

"Do we even have to name them?" Hojo grunted, packing up the rest of their belongings and clearing away the equipment. "Can't we just call them 'those things' or 'hey you'? A lot easier. And besides, they don't have souls."

Vexen gave a disdainful sniff at his colleague, jumping into the air to rise high enough to see where their creations were heading. To Shinra, surely, but they were in another solar system entirely from where they needed to be. From that distance, he cast a portal and they blindly walked into it. Drifting back down, he created a second one for he and Hojo to follow behind.

"Fine, NoSouls," Vexen suggested again, walking the streets of Midgar. "I'll even give you credit for giving me the idea."

Hojo completely face-palmed. "No, you can keep complete credit for this one. No credit needed."

Vexen noted that they were on a street called LOVELESS Avenue, in which one of the NoSouls picked up a man dressed in a red and black cloak and ate him. The book he'd been reading fell to the ground with a sickening _plap_. The scientist decided to take a background spot against the shadow of a building, letting Hojo go forth to watch the destruction of his former workplace.

Called to arms, SOLDIERs and Turks alike began to spill onto the street as the creatures got closer and closer to the headquarters. "We can't handle this!" a redhaired man screamed and Vexen watched as he tried to run. A taller, bald man snagged his suit jacket and dragged him back.

"Tseng's looking for a reason to demote you, Reno," he told him and the redhead stopped struggling. "Don't hand him one."

"What? Tseng wants to get rid of _me_? I've been loyal to this damn company for nearly ten years! That's it, now I'm pissed!" This time he did run away…but was screaming a battle cry as he headed towards the chaos and madness. The other man smirked and followed after him.

High on the shoulder of one of the creatures, Hojo cackled as he led the siege on Shinra. He'd never felt more alive! Not even when he'd created that no-good son of his, the catalyst for one of his greatest experiments. No, Jenova could have Sephiroth. He had _this_! Ultimate power! Limitless possibilies! The world was his!

And of course he wouldn't withstand anyone telling him otherwise.

Upon reaching the headquarters, he ordered the NoSoul he was riding to create an entrance for him. It complied, ripping a hole in the structure. Hojo climbed down its arm (moving slow because he had to admit he was no longer a spring chocobo) and stood before President Shinra, who was still trying to work as though all hell hadn't broken loose.

"I'm rather busy, Rufus, I don't have time to see your musical or whatever the hell you've taken up now. And it's cold in here, close the damn door—! Oh…" He finally looked up to see not his adult son, but his former employee.

"Yeah. 'Oh'." Hojo mocked.

"What do you want?" the man grumbled, shuffling the papers on his desk furiously as though that'd make him go away. "I'm busy."

"Yes, and so was I. Busy making history. Bettering this company. Earning more money for _you_. But my brilliance wasn't appreciated! The instant the tiniest stain appeared on the Shinra record, all evidence of it had to be wiped away! Sephiroth's death was Jenova's fault! And his own…that boy was always a bit addled in the head. Should've known something was wrong when I found out he slept by standing up only. But that's not the point! Here's what I think of you and your damn company!"

The President flinched by reflex as the scientist reached inside his coat pocket, figuring he'd produce a gun or one of his legendary elephant tranquilizers (yes, they were indeed legendary. Many a young assistant that'd annoyed him would be instantly jabbed with one, making the floor covered with bodies on any given day). But instead, Hojo pulled out a sheet of paper. Even from his desk, the President could see the bold title of the sheet: Notice of Termination.

Hojo held the paper up dramatically and with a look of pure fury, tore the sheet in two. Though…not before giving himself a papercut, which completely ruined the tough-guy image he was going for. Instead, the President calmly crossed his hands and asked, "Are you finished, Hojo? I have things to do."

Sucking his finger, Hojo muttered a "Yeah, whatever," and sullenly walked back to the NoSoul that awaited him outside.

Ten minutes later, he rejoined Vexen, who was watching more Turks and SOLDIERs run around like ants as they tried to topple the monsters.

"So, how'd it go?" Vexen asked, using his shield to straighten a strand of hair.

Hojo's face darkened and the blonde actually took a step back. "Burn it. Burn it to the ground!"

Well, he was no Axel but he gave the command with a signal of whistles, in which the NoSouls concentrated their primary attention on the building. Vexen created another vortex for themselves and quietly, the two slipped away from Midgar.

The instant their feet touched The World That Never Was, his throat tightened and he felt happy and sick at the same time. At least, the remnant of his real self felt that. His Nobody side told him to stop being such a pansy and just kill everyone with no reservations.

Hojo looked impressively up at the long walkway that led to the floating structure of the castle. "This is where you live?" And to think, he'd been sleeping in his own lab for over thirty years!

"Lived, yes. Though they're about to get a rude awakening. They picked the wrong one when they decided to fire Even!"

"Who's this Even?"

"Erm…nothing. Are you coming?"

"No, I'll pass. I'll have a better view from down here anyways."

"Suit yourself," Vexen shrugged and vanished on the spot to reappear inside the castle. Was it really only a few hours ago that he'd been in here? Felt like another lifetime. He looked around, noticing that the place seemed untouched. But at this hour, dinner would've been served, a trait the group had kept to try to appear normal (who were they trying to fool?). Nobody was truly going to take the time to scrub the floor to the shine it was at now without the help of magic…

It was Zexion's famous kitchen illusion trick! Meaning the Schemer was just here…

"Move and you're dead," Vexen heard someone whisper directly in his ear. He didn't jump, only smiled and slowly turned around. Ienzo was adorable when he tried to act tough.

Zexion was poised with his lexicon open, prepared to probably read some deadly incantation off but snapped the book shut once he realized who it was. "Vexen! You're not supposed to be here. Saix and Xemnas…they gave the kill on sight order if we spot you. In fact…they ordered the Dusks to kill you since you hold valuable information that could sabotage the Organization."

Well, didn't that change his plans. He had hoped to still live in his proper universe but the Dusks were as clever as they were unruly and they'd find him easily enough. This meant there was no other choice; it was kill or be killed.

"Zexion, I snuck in here to warn you; I'm about to attack the castle. I didn't want you to be inside when I did it."

Zexion bit his lip and looked away. "You're wanting to destroy everyone? Not everyone here is bad though! Xaldin isn't too terrible and Luxord is great with keeping people entertained. And Roxas and Xion…and even Demyx, despite how annoying Nine can be. And Larxene might be the wicked bi—witch of the west, but even she knows when too far is too far. The only ones that really want to do this is Xemnas and Saix. And not even Xemnas. I think Saix is just getting bloodthirsty or something…they say he has murderous tendencies…"

The scientist appreciated the sentiments but there really wasn't a way to isolate Saix, who stuck to Xemnas like glue, who'd threaten the death of the other members unless they too attacked Vexen. "Get out while you still can," was his only reply.

Zexion slouched his shoulders for a moment, then gasped and straightened up. Without a single word, he vanished on the spot. Walking into the kitchen was another of his ex co-workers.

"Holy shit, I thought I heard you!" Axel said, walking up to Vexen. "And Zexion too…but that might've been my imagination. How's life treating ya, buddy?" The redhead slapped him hard on the back, his large smile threatening to crack his face in half.

"Don't patronize me, boy," Vexen shrugged the hand off. "Zexion's already told me that you are all on orders to kill me on sight. So. What are you waiting for?"

The smile fell and Axel held his hands out to his sides, a hot wind blowing as he produced his chakrams. "Well, since the cat's out of the bag…" And here, he charged.

Just as he did, a blonde and black blur ran through the doorway and threw itself at him. "Axel, don't!" Axel paused to look down to see a sniveling Roxas clinging to him. "I know nobody likes Vexen, but that doesn't mean we have to kill the guy!"

"Oh, I can just feel the love for me," Vexen muttered darkly.

"Orders, Rox. Disobey 'em and you could be the one in his spot," Axel said kindly. Interesting how gentle he could make killing a person sound.

During this altercation, something was thrown across the room and missed skinning Vexen's nose by mere millimeters. The object stuck up out of the fridge instead, a blue spear.

"Damnit, I missed!" Xaldin growled, using telekinesis to retrieve the weapon. "Must be getting rusty."

"Then move aside, old timer!" Xigbar told him, vanishing on the roof—which, even after years of seeing, Xaldin gave a small scream and stumbled backwards. He wasn't even going to correct Xigbar on the fact that he was older than himself. "I won't miss!"

But just as he fired the gun, a lightning bolt sizzled the arrow and both of them faded into the air. Larxene put a hand on her hip and turned to the Freeshooter with a frown. "Keep your toy arrows out of my way! Can't you see I'm trying to fry someone alive here?"

"But, my dear, no need for such a delicate rose as you to strain yourself when I am fully capable of handling it." Marluxia's vortex formed beside her, this time though with a shower of yellow tulip petals instead.

"Can't we just get along!" Screamed someone else. They turned to look at Demyx, who had a guitar pick on his fingers and looked ready to strum a song. "I…I don't want to have to do it. But I will!"

Luxord vanished in a spot next to him, about giving the boy a heartless heart attack. "What's this that you're going to do, mate?" he asked distractedly, shuffling a deck of cards.

"I'll…I'll do my water technique and flood everyone!" Demyx threatened, trying for all his worth to appear menacing. Luxord stopped shuffling, hands poised in midair and gave him a look with a raised eyebrow. "I'll do it too! Don't try me!"

Xion, who'd been standing in the corner, gave a small splutter which ended up causing a ripple effect of laughter. Larxene laughed the loudest, leaning against Marluxia for support. "You couldn't even fill up a bath tub, much less an entire room! Ha! That was a good one!"

It all happened at once. Demyx growled and screamed _Dance, water, dance! _and the entire room indeed began filling with water. At the same time, Axel made another lunge at Vexen, who now had Zexion there beside him. The Schemer threw his book at Axel, which stunned him and caused him to go down. He and Vexen took a moment to stare at each other and Zexion shrugged sheepishly. Hey, if it worked, it worked.

However, now they had to doge the arrowgun-spear-lightning combination being fired at them. But Roxas and Xion both were using their Keyblades to cause the attack to rebound back to those that fired them and Xigbar, Xaldin and Larxene each received a taste of their own medicine.

"My beautiful sunflower!" Marluxia screamed as he watched Larxene being struck. Livid with rage, he began sending out waves of…well, flower power. Vexen put up his shield but each move knocked him back several feet and he could see his shield beginning to crack.

During all the commotion, another figure appeared in the doorway and mildly watched them for a moment before speaking. "Um…Xemnas would like a word with Vexen," Lexaeus said. He really didn't like anyone fighting unless absolutely necessary.

But the brawl went on. Xigbar was back up and was flashing around the room, reappearing everywhere and firing with little concern as to who he hit. Which was unfortunate as Axel was finally waking back up from having been hit with a ten pound book, all to be shot in the forehead. He spluttered and went down again.

Larxene and Xion were battling on the other side of the kitchen, Larxene throwing her knives with almost-perfect accuracy while Xion tried to fend them off. Her coat though had several blades sticking out of it. Grabbing a handful, the girl began firing them back at the woman, pleased when one scratched Larxene's cheek. As she grabbed her face, Xion took the opportunity to get in a strong hit, finally back on offense.

Roxas had kicked it into over-drive and was fighting both Xaldin and Marluxia at the same time, using Oathkeeper and Oblivion. One of the spears that was blocked was sent flying and stabbed an appliance on the counter. "My George Foreman grill!" Xaldin gasped. "You little bastard!" He reached for another lance and grabbed only thin air; all of his weapons were sticking out of the wall on the opposite side of room. Instead, he whipped around at Marluxia and snatched his scythe and began swinging maniacally at the boy.

Lexaeus thundered a fist against the wall and yelled "I said, Xemnas would like to see Vexen!"

All action stopped, the last people being Luxord, who had Demyx in a headlock and was punching his face for getting his cards soggy. The Gambler released him and stepped innocently away.

"M-me?" Vexen asked, standing up from where he'd been crouched under the table to avoid Xigbar's bullets. Zexion had actually taken care of that by using a frying pan as a deflector and the Freeshooter was crumpled next to Axel.

"Yes, you," Lexaeus sighed warily, pinching the bridge of his nose. Sometimes he felt like the most mature one there.

Vexen picked his way over the bodies and followed him. Those that were still conscious straightened themselves up, brushing cloaks off and fixing hair. It was Marluxia though, polishing his scythe again to perfection, who noticed the NoSouls waiting outside.

"Great mother of moon flowers! What are those?"

The others crowded the windows to look and Luxord made the comment, "They…look like Twilight Thorns…on a triple shot of steroids."

"Want me to kill 'em?" Roxas asked happily.

"Heh, the big man upstairs might wanna use them," Xigbar said, finally waking up. He winced as he rubbed his head.

"We have enough brainless idiots around here, why do we need more?" The Nymph whined, rolling her eyes.

"Am I the only one curious about what they're talking about?" Zexion asked.

They grew silent for a moment before vanishing at once to reappear outside of Xemnas' office. Except there they were met with Saix, who was leaning against the wall and examining a nail…or a claw.

"Figured it'd be about time before you all came snooping around," he told them, straightening up and putting his glove back on. "Superior instructed me to make sure nobody got past. Also, for the fight that just occurred, all of you are being given extra long assignments out in the field. I will notify you once I have them drawn up."

A childish groan of "Aw, man!" went up from everyone. Axel (who too had finally come to, twin welts adorning his head), pointed an accusing finger at Seven.

"Aren't you the one that really wanted Vexen dead? And weren't we to kill him on sight? How come we're being punished?"

"Because, _Lea_, the instructions were to get him, not each other."

Axel scowled, taking a threatening step closer. "You had to make this personal, didn't you, _Isa_?"

"This isn't about you or me. It's about being one, a group, an organization. That downstairs was anything but organized."

"Oh yes, so about being a team, aren't we? You and I were a team! What happened to that?"

Lexaeus stepped forward and put a hand on both of their shoulders. "I think I speak for everyone when I say that nobody cares about your friendship feud."

They stared at him as though they were about to yell something but before they could, the office door opened up and Vexen stepped out into the hall. Xemnas came out after him and raised his arms for silence.

"Denizens of darkness, today we have witnessed a truly most remarkable and fascinating event. The turn of brother against brother, friend into foe, comrade into enemy. But know this; the Organization is only as strong as we are. For with a single weak link in the chain, the entire structure collapses. I thought that letting Vexen go was ridding ourselves of that link; I was wrong. It only created a larger hole. We must all work together to do what we can so that we may survive as One! One whole, one being. As thus, we shall complete Kingdom Hearts and together we can truly, finally exist! Hear me now, my friends…"

By this time, half of everyone was snoring. They got it, Vexen was back in the group and they didn't need to kill one another. But naturally, Xemnas continued on in this way for another ten minutes, wrapping up by making at least four more Kingdom Hearts references, all of which had been said twenty times before.

At long last, Xemnas asked Vexen about the NoSouls outside. "Would you mind sharing the secret to creating those beings? I believe these are just the creatures that the Organization has needed!"

Vexen didn't miss the irony that it would be the project completed when he wasn't one of them that had the most success. But then again, he knew he was underappreciated. However…the NoSouls would not have been created without the help of someone.

"Er, excuse me Superior, I'll go take care of those monstrosities…" he faded into a portal before the leader could protest.

Back outside, he found Hojo where he'd left him. Except…he was smiling. Hojo and smiles were enough to kill puppies. He snapped a cellphone shut and turned to the Nobody."I have my job back. Seems the president was quite impressed with my display of prowess with the…those things," he said, still unwilling to call them by their name.

"Same. Though my company just attacked themselves. I never said they were a brilliant bunch." Vexen shuffled his feet for a bit, looking away before asking. "So. I suppose this is where we part ways?"

"Yes. The next in line for the head of the Science Department is some asshat named Hollander and though he's been MIA for awhile, I'm not risking him coming back to take my spot. So. This is farewell."

They each hesitated. Neither would be caught dead admitting it, but a kinship had formed. It wasn't everyday that either came across someone of their own intellectual level and they were reluctant to have to return to the simpletons of their field. However, finally Vexen awkwardly held out his hand and after staring at it with a wrinkled nose, Hojo offered his own hand and shook it.

"Nice…working with you. It was…interesting." Hojo faltered, not one to give goodbye speeches.

"Yes, truly…remarkable." They let go and turned to go their separate ways.

"Oh hey, um…could you…you know…" Hojo waved his hands around weirdly. "Create one of those inter-dimensional black holes that you travel though? Unless there's an intergalactic shuttle that could take me back?"

Vexen thought about telling him of gummi ships but didn't want to confuse the man with the discussion about that. Even he was a bit confounded as to how a gummi ship worked. Instead, he obliged and created a portal that would lead back to Midgar. The Shinra scientist gave an awkward bow of appreciation and stepped through.

Vexen wondered only briefly if he'd ever see him again. Well, there was always Facebook. He returned back to the castle, the insensible dunces inside arguing over who would clean the kitchen this time (_not _Zexion), but still, Vexen was glad to be a part of them. Sometimes crazy was normalcy and that was just fine with him.

* * *

><p>Whoot, finished! Forgive me if this was a bit all over...been writing this single chapter for the past several months (sad, right? xD). Anywho, please leave your final comments!<p> 


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